a special dedication to MY FATHER

supposed to have a joint appointment with my boss today. but, i went there only to tell her that i really cannot make it. i had to cab home. my cramps were horrible.

on the way home, i was really feeling very vulnerable. i thought i really needed someone. imagine that my special him is with me, most prob he will take good care of me, making sure that i am okay from time to time.

reached home finally and i rushed to my bed. my dad knows that i m not okay. my face was already very pale and i was shivering. he quickly boiled hot water and poured the hot water into my hot water bag. he kept asking me to go see a doctor. he said he will accompany me. he said we can carry umbrellas together. he said i will feel better after i go see doctor. 

as for me, i continued to ignore him. i was really feeling very painful. i vomited twice. the first time i vomited yellow liquids which i also pretty worried. because i did not eat anything since last night. i wasnt sure what was that. so, i decided to go see a doctor. 

Papa became angry with me. cuz i told him that i can managed alone. i told him that i can walk to the doctor myself. Papa asked me again and again. he hated me for being so stubborn. he hated me for the fact that i kept acting strong. it was then, i knew that, this time round, i really needed someone. i needed a HIM. and it was definitely PAPA.

it was raining very heavily. 

Papa walked in front of me. i can see him clearly from behind. but, he is no longer the strong Papa i know. he used to be the strongest man i ever knew. he used to walk very steadily. he used to cycle to work with his equipped outfit. and he is struggling now even when walking. yet, he was so worried about me. after few steps he take, he will look back, making sure that i m okay, even when he was trying to struggle to walk himself. when crossing the road, he will make sure he will look out the traffic for me. i teared. i secretly teared behind him.

i teared because i was touched. i teared because i was guilty. touched because my papa really loves me. guilty because through these years, i thought the best way to interact with my papa is to avoid him. i never truly once sit down and patiently listen to him. listen to his views. listen to his life story. listen to his voice. i was never patient with him. i always thought i had been a fillal daughter but actually i was never. he loves me more than anything while i only know how to complain and and i only look at his flaws. i never put in enough effort to communicate with him.  i never hug him tight and tell him that i needed papa to stay strong and healthy for me. i never kiss him once and tell him of his importance in me. i never tell him once how much i love him.

being in my own emo world, i think i really did neglected my Papa. despite his bad temper, i know he is one of the rarest and best husband in the world. i know that at the end of the day, he will be forever true to my mum. he will never ever cheat on her. 

my first relationship hurt me the most. left the biggest impact on my perception about love. my second relationship made me learnt the most. however, i had never regretted knowing these 2 guys. i truly did loved them with the most sincere heart before. i truly did my best. i will not regret anything anymore. i was loved by them truly too.

despite trying so hard in relationships with man, i forgot to tell my Papa how much i love him too. i forgot to tell Papa how blessed i m to be his daughter. i forgot to tell Papa how much he is needed by me.

my doctor suggested another scan to be done. 

he also found a lump on my wrist which he suggested to have it removed.

life is short. cherish it.

i'm embracing my life now. are you?

I LOVE PAPA.